Writing Grief: Capturing Heartbreak in Words

Grief is often a crippling emotion that leaves dark holes in our lives, and all of us will have felt it at least once, or at least will in the future. It is described as the response to losing something important, especially the loss of someone or some living thing that has died.

Writing grief, can be difficult, but if it is done right, it can leave the reader feeling empathy and even sometimes pain for the character who is going through it.

The Five Stages:

Grief is often described as having five main stages:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

In some cases there can be more stages, or characters may not go through all five stages. Grief is different for everyone.

 There are also many differences between short-term and long-term grief.

Short-term Grief

Physical symptoms/Body language:

• Lump in the throat

• Nausea

• Tightening of the chest

• Trembling

• Swollen eyes

• Stuffed nose

• Crying

• Curling up into a foetal position

• Collapse

• Slump

• Covering face with hands or pillow

• Staring blankly

• Pushing people away

Mentality:

• Denial

• “What if…”

• “If only…”

• “I didn’t get to say goodbye…”

• “I wish I hadn’t/had said that…”

• “Why-why-why…”

Stress:

• Inability to sleep

• No longer wanting to take part in once-loved activities

• Increased or lack of appetite

Social:

• Insisting everything is fine

• Inability to hide grief

• Withdrawal from activities

• Irritability

• Over-booking activities to keep busy

Some or all of these may be present while your character is in the initial stages of grief. They may or may not be obvious, but it will be happening, and it will affect how your character behaves.

Long-Term Grief

Denial: which can come in many ways. They can deny the cause of death, or even grief itself.

Forgetting the person is dead: this can happen years after the death. A character may go to visit or call the person who died, only to remember they can’t. When they remember the loss, they will be met with the pain of grief, as if they were losing them all over again.

Forgetting the person who died: this isn’t heartless, but life often fills the gaps that death leaves. There may come a time when your character realises they are living as if that person never existed. This will result in a horrible wave of guilt.

Living for the person: his friend wanted to travel? Ten years later he is travelling the world. Sometimes they don’t even realise they are carrying on the dead persons dreams.

Living against the person: This is a common one. The deceased will have made a statement or held a belief that the one who is alive feels untrue. The one who is alive will then live in a way to prove the deceased wrong. For example, the deceased could have said that women couldn’t do a certain job, but then the character who is alive proves them wrong and even becomes the best in their field.

The character can develop an irrational fear of what killed someone they knew. For example, if their close friend drowned, the character who is alive could be terrified of water.

In conclusion

if you want to write grief so powerful that the readers feel it too, then it is important to show grief rather than to tell it. If you have a character who is crying, don’t write “she cried.”

Show how her eyes are swollen and red, how the tears are streaming down her face as she sniffs her nose, and how she cries, “If I had just stayed five minutes more, I could have said goodbye.”

Thank you for reading, if you have any other tips for writing grief do leave them in the comments below!